How to Sound Like a Stoned Robot

September, 2020

A friend recently asked me whether I have a device like that used by the late physicist Stephen Hawking that allows me to speak. Not only do I have such a device, but mine uses my own voice. Well, sort of. Assuming I sound like a stoned robot.

During my first consult with the speech therapist at Stanford Neuromuscular I was advised to bank my voice while I still had one. Being unclear on the concept I was nonetheless intrigued. So I hit the web and found out that voice banking is where you provide samples of your voice to be used as synthesized vocalizations of your inputted text. Whoop whoop! This could be cool.

I looked over the materials I was provided and chose a suitable provider. ModelTalker.org for you geeks out there. I did have to invest in their recommended headset microphone combination and turn a spare bedroom into an echo free zone.

The process involves reading a phrase, of which there are thousands, receiving a real time rating of your performance for banking, and going to the next phrase once you are happy with your rating. The phrases were perfect for me. Nonsensical gibberish like “feline humps avocado scratch post”. I got to a bit over a thousand phrases over the course of two weeks which they assured me was quite enough.

Not content to leave well enough alone, I decided to record some of my favorite phrases. Of course, I neglected to record the one phrase I would use the most: “Need to pee.”

Eight or nine months later I receive my permanent communication device, Running the text vocalization functions through their paces, I find that the female voices work best. This is seriously beginning to weird out St. Laurel. So, time to make a withdrawal from the voice bank.

I pay the appropriate license fee and after a few support calls my voice is downloaded happily into my device. First test using Model Talker software is a go. Relief all around. Now the big test. Head over to the vocalization function and mercy me there’s my file in the choices of voices. I choose wisely. Eye in some text, hit speak, and gadzooks it’s me! Champagne all year!

Although the voice doesn’t slow disease progression, it does remind family and friends of days past. Once again my dulcet voice echoes through our humble abode. Even if it sounds like a stoned robot.