October, 2020
To be completely up front with you guys, my breathing numbers just suck where they shouldn’t and and don’t where they should. In July, they were running a bit south of 50% and now they’re running south of 20%. Clearly, my good looks aren’t the only thing that is going south.
It’s no wonder the doctors are all over me to use the latest respiratory devices. There are three devices they have foisted on me. They are all basically a box with a long pipe that look like they were designed by H.R. Giger. It is comforting that your latest life saving devices remind you of the Alien movies. Each device has a specific function. One sucks, one blows, and one sucks and blows, but none in a way that is remotely pleasurable.
The first device is a portable suction version of the suction tube you get at the dentist. Like the dentist’s version, it useful for sucking out saliva. It is useless, however, in sucking out the gunk at the bottom of your throat that sends you into coughing fits in the middle of the night. Perhaps it can be recomissioned as a miniature wet vac to sop up my beer dribbles pending an increase in my drool per minute rate.
One of the most important device just blows. This is the PAP machine. Not sure whether it is a CPAP or a BiPAP or Bibimbap, but this is essentially a respirator. The box displays a wide variety of moving numbers and pulsating bars, the meaning of which is beyond my pay grade. A tube runs into a small of water, or moderately priced pinot noir, and another tube runs from the vat to yours truly. Or something like that. The tube runs into a mask made of squishy plastic that must have been hand molded by Giger himself. The mask fits tightly over your mouth and under your nose, with points lost for any leaks. Straps go over and around your head certain of which attach to the mask with magnets. Suitably configured your supposed to go blissfully to sleep.
Respirators work by forcing air into your lungs when you can’t. The trick with these monsters is getting the settings right, which took only three visits from a breathing tech to get to a useable condition. Problem was the inhale cycle was not so much a gentle push as it was a battering ram. It was a breathing machine that very effectively prevented me from breathing. Once fixed, however, I was able to use my respirator. Although I can’t yet sleep with it yet, I have made it through my daily TV news fix and the first half of a Sunday afternoon Niners game.
For something that really sucks and blows, there is nothing like the cough assist device. This thing has the typical box, tube, and mouth covering configuration. The mouth cover is a triangular inflated tube. Said mouth cover is slammed against your face, covering your mouth and nose. A mass of air that feels like it was shot from a howitzer is blown into your windpipe. Your cheeks puff out like a blowfish imitating Dizzy Gillespie . Your lungs are supposed to react in a similar fashion but I’m just not feeling it. Right when your eardrums start pounding out a Hart-Kreutzmann solo, the suction takes off. At this point you are supposed to cough while this sucker vacuums your lungs. Right. I can squeak out a wheeze but the respiratory therapist says my numbers look good so we are off to the races.
These devices are like cod liver oil for the lungs. Unpleasant but good for you. Regardless, they are the future for me as I succumb to the inevitable and close off this segment while hooked to the respirator.
Embrace The Suck 
Bob, so sorry to hear about your continuing health problems, but it’s fantastic that you keep your sense of humor going.
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Honestly, Bob, you are an incredible inspiration in what seems (but can hardly compare) to a very difficult time for the world in general. You sure put the essence out there for all of your followers and fans. I know I am but one among many. I’m grateful that you’re able to enjoy some of your favorite programs, but sorry that isolation requirements have denied you the opportunity for visits in person by so many of us who would have welcomed the opportunity otherwise. Just know that I am sure that so many, as I, are with you in spirit, if not in person, if that makes any difference. I am readying for a next week performance recording of the Irish Repertory Theatre’s show, “On Beckett/In Screen.” Myself, I have not read Beckett, so I had to read a “cheat sheet” encyclopedia description of him and his work, something called “Irish Literature,” or something like that in my library. But the session I’ve signed up for is nor until next Saturday, November 21, so maybe I can squeeze in a couple of his works before then. We’ll see. In the meantime, hang in there, buddy! You DO have a lot of fans following you! Best, Kay
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You are just amazing! Love you!!
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Breathing is really not that adaptable o machine assist. We pause breathing when we observe and think, and breath deeply quite randomly. Maybe those signals are not intervening anymore for you. The most difficult part of bypass surgery 27 years ago for me was coming back into consciousness in recovery on a breathing machine that would not mesh with my own intentions. Aaargghh, great post obviously struck a bad chord with me. Wishing the best to you and Saint Laurel. Dick
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Makes “Embrace the Suck” the double entendre that it is! Suck and blow, suck and blow. Jeezo, that’s not exactly what I was thinking of!!! You are so loved and any one of us would would sell our soul to make life easier for you! Thank you for sharing your trials and inner most thoughts. I love you, brother😘
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Wow, I have no words for all your incredibly descriptive and humorous words for this difficult, painful ordeal. As shallow as I am, I just kept looking at your gorgeous head of hair in envy. You are still one handsome guy, I must say! Sorry you have to deal with all this and you know you are in our thoughts, with love.
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Now I can’t stand it – to have a respirator that was making it difficult for you to breathe! How on earth does that happen??? Geez you Have enough turtles. – this is what happens when I use the voice recorder I keep correcting it so I don’t know how you do a blog with no errors in spelling or erroneous thoughts ! U haveEnough battles (not 🐢) without equipment failures. Looks like you are sporting a Trilogy ! You are amazing ❤️Marie & Steve and family 🌻
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Hi Bob–Thanks for writing this, and sharing what you’re experiencing. It helps us understand and feel connected to you. Love the Dizzy and Grateful Dead references…sending love, admiring you as always, Hugs to you and Laurel, Kim
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Hey Bob, It is such a gift that you are even with all this still sharing your talents and your joy of living with us. What a vivid description of trying times. Little triumphs mean so much.
Go Niners!
Andrea
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How to have a love-hate relationship with a machine. Thanks for sharing Bob and for including the photo.
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