October, 2020
Loyal readers are to be excused if they felt that they were left hanging at the end of the last segment of the great Hoyer lift battle. To know a fresh Hoyer was in the house without sharing a joy ride was either cheap suspense or a way to absolve you from having to read further that week. Whether you like it or not, your wait is finally over as you are lifted into the passenger seat of this joy of pALS. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You may remember from the last Hoyer segment that this monstrosity is used to lift me, aka 170 lbs of chuck roast, from one wheelchair to the other. The transfer is required for showering or when Door Number Two needs attention. Preflight preparations are key because once you are encased in the sling nothing can be removed. In other words, shorts come off before sling goes on.
Early attempts were challenging. The sling is installed by sliding it behind your back and then pulling each stirrup under each leg so that both straps present themselves between your legs and perilously close to Mr. Happy. The strap on the right stirrup is attached to a hook on the left of the Hoyer and the strap on the left stirrup is attached to a hook on the right of the Hoyer. Straps on the back are attached to corresponding hooks on the Hoyer.
There is, however, a problem.
The sling is on. Unfortunately, so are the shorts.
My normally astute caregivers have not yet noticed this breach in preflight protocol. Being unable to vocalize beyond that of an anemic cow, I bellow.
“You don’t need to go to the bathroom?” my caregivers say. Door Number Two says otherwise. I shake my head vertically.
“Then we have to lift you up” say my caregivers. I shake my head horizontally as the knocking on Door Number Two gets louder.
Variations of this dialog continue for the better part of ten minutes. I even have them reinstall the eye tracker device but the crossed stirrup straps blocks the eye tracking laser and makes operation futile. Door Number Two is becoming insistent. Thankfully the line of questioning changes.
“Is it your head?” they ask. Horizontal head shake.
“Is it your shirtr?” they ask. Horizontal shake.
“Is it your hands?” they ask. Horizontal.
“Is it your legs?” they ask. Closer so light horizontal shake.
“Is it your feet?” they ask. I bellow and Door Number Two starts pounding.
I am beginning to resign myself to a very uncomfortable lesson when divine guidance flows forth and the obvious is discovered. With concentrated dispatch the offending straps are removed and the shorts liberated. Soon I am airborne, my business end properly exposed and Door Number Two temporarily placated in anticipation. I soon land on the commode chair to begin the mad dash down the hall.
Subsequently a sign is affixed to the Hoyer reminding the pilot of this critical step in the preflight protocol.
You’ll be happy to know that the process is now very smooth and flights leave daily if not more often. Now that the proper sling is in use the whole exercise has become almost mundane. Thank goodness the battle has been reduced to a chore and Door Number Two can be suitably situated in its assigned seat.
Embrace The Suck 
Such a barbaric and uncomfortable looking ride though do essential to make transfers so much easier. These days 170lb is a small chuck roast😏. I took care of a man with ALS for a couple months at the hospital before I moved to infection prevention. He was 42. It seems those pALS that I have known were all men – young (yes 60 is still young 😉). Good caregivers and patience on both sides seems to be the key to gettin er done! Love your stories Bob. I admire your sense of humor through all of this! XO
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Hilarious! and yet tactful. It seems (I hope) you are getting to enjoy your masterful gifts of observation and description, and sardonic humor. Keep writing please. It’s giving me hope for becoming more creative myself.
Andrea
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Great tale well told, as always, And yet it is certainly not easy to reply to your “Battle of the Hoyer” posts. I have seen these Hoyer things parked in the corners of hospital hallways, but have never been subjected to one and now have more reasons than before. I m scheduled for another kidney stone shattering, but I will be walking in and out within hours while your health travails are continuous. Your attitude is amazing. Thanks again, Dick
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Hi, Bob . . .
What an education you provide! Not that I’d recommend you be the guy who has to educate those of us who don’t begin to be in a position to actually understand! I know I’m not alone among all of your obvious friends and fans who are following what you are going through, courtesy of your valiant literary excursions down the paths that you have to traverse. I, for one, and I suspect I am not alone, will be forever changed because of your willingness to share these unbelievable experiences that you seem to accept with such extraordinary patience and a sense of humor. I mean how important was it that when I took my car out for the first time in a long time that I couldn’t remember which side of the car was the one I added gas in? How important was it really when I went out for my first hair appt in months and months and couldn’t remember my freeway exit? And how important could it possibly have been that my GPS wasn’t working and I could hardly find my way home? You can be sure I am paying a whole lot more attention to media mentions of those going through a similar time as you. You get the credit for that but I regret the cost to you to educate me. You hang in there, Guy! We are following you, in awe! Keep on Keeping on!
Love,
Kay
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Wow a bright yellow ride! I’m wondering if your claustrophobia
In the sling has improved with time
or With the correct sling here in your photo op. I am glad your #2 usage
Is successful. Love your descriptions
Glad Mr Happy has not been trapped!
Love to u Bob& Happy Halloween 🎃
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Bob – You Are The Man!! And, You Are My Hero!! Thank you for sharing this and thank you for being you!
Your Super Fan,
Kurt
On Fri, Oct 30, 2020 at 4:19 PM Embrace The Suck wrote:
> embrace-the-suck.blog posted: ” October, 2020 Loyal readers are to be > excused if they felt that they were left hanging at the end of the last > segment of the great Hoyer lift battle. To know a fresh Hoyer was in the > house without sharing a joy ride was either cheap suspense or a ” >
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Well told and funny! Love, Nancy
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I always told my students that writing funny was the hardest writing to do well. And you really are a master. It’s especially impressive, given what you’re facing. So huge thanks from someone getting to know you only through your words–and wonderful sense of humor.
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That was exhausting.
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Bob –
Hilarious plus many other adjectives.
Did you miss a calling? Maybe you didnât and have numerous published works we donât know about – in the humor section.
Iâm listening to a Billy Eckstine/Sarah Vaughn duet – âRememberâ I never tire of it. Can your eyes tell Pandora to play music?
Your friend, Michael Dewees
>
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Can’t believe you have to go through all of that Bob. Yet as always you are there with your amazing sense of humor and quick wit. Please give my love to Laurel.
Rhonda
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It sounds like you are regular. Praise God for small favors.
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Robert, As usual you eloquent and sly writing style is appreciated and amazingly entertaining. I appreciate you taking the time to share your and your family’s reality with us.
I was strapped to continue reading about the outcome of the strapping or unstrapping as you will. What does the subsequent sign say?
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You had me sitting on the edge of my seat!
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